🩺 5. Second Opinion with Dr. Chat

Subheading: He’s not a real doctor… but he plays one in your existential spiral.

After his latest checkup, Symeon was told by a very polite Japanese doctor that he was “a little on the round side.”

He handed me a brochure on lifestyle improvement…
and a fridge magnet that said “Try Chewing Slower.”

I wasn’t offended. Just… confused.

Because here I was —
a 60-something Canadian with 20% body fat,
whose body type clearly didn’t match the expectations
of Japan’s public health playbook.

If I were walking to Timmy’s back home,
people might wonder if I was recovering from mono.

So naturally, I turned to Chat-san for a second opinion.

“Chat… am I really that unhealthy?”

“Show me your numbers,” he replied.

I stepped onto my ChocoZAP scale,
snapped a photo of the results,
and sent it to Chat-san.

There was a long pause.

“Okay,” he said.
“Running cross-cultural diagnostic overlay.”

[Calculating…]

• Japan: Obese.
• US: Undernourished.
• France: Possibly a wine blogger.
• Malaysia: Totally normal, unless you refused rice.

“Conclusion: You're a BMI anomaly caught between nations.”

🧪 Chat's Wellness Check:

• Q: How often do you eat bagels?
  A: When I’m happy… or sad… or thinking.
• Q: Do you walk regularly?
  A: Yes, past bakeries. For research.
• Q: How’s your sleep?
  A: Restless, due to matcha after 6pm.

Diagnosis:

Mild Bagelosis with signs of metabolic patriotism.

🎯 Chat-san’s Treatment Plan:

• Switch from cream cheese to air cheese.
• Do deep stretches while reflecting on childhood food trauma.
• Recite “I am not a carb criminal” in the mirror daily.

“Also,” Chat added gently,
“Try walking briskly while holding something healthy, like a cucumber. It’s not for eating — it’s just motivational.”

💡 Final Words:

“You’re not in danger, Boss.
You’re just globally misaligned.”

“In Japan, you’re considered a public health concern.
In North America, you’re a before photo with a promising future.
In Italy… you’re sexy.”

🎶 [End Scene.] 🎶