Jamie: So... confession time. I once baptized myself. In a hot tub. Just in case.
Moderator: Alone?
Jamie: I had a devotional book and a bottle of Vitamin Water. Figured it covered intention and hydration.
Moderator: That’s not how sacraments work. But it’s a very... Protestant move.
Jamie: Thanks! I think.
Moderator: Let’s break it down. Evangelicals often treat sacraments like symbols—a public expression of faith.
Jamie: Like baptism is a selfie with Jesus.
Moderator: Roughly. Now, Catholics believe sacraments do something. Baptism removes sin. The Eucharist nourishes the soul. Confession restores grace.
Jamie: So it's like spiritual medicine?
Moderator: Exactly. The Church is the hospital, the sacraments are the treatment.
Jamie: And the Orthodox? What do they say?
Moderator: That grace isn’t a thing God gives. Grace is God—His divine energy shared with us.
Jamie: So… the sacraments are… God?
Moderator: Not quite. But they are how we encounter His presence. In Orthodoxy, sacraments are called Mysteries. Baptism, Eucharist, yes. But also bowing, icons, candles, tears. All of life can become a sacrament.
Jamie: Even lighting a candle?
Moderator: If it opens the heart to God’s presence—yes.
Jamie: Okay, so: Evangelicals say grace is like a hug you got once and still feel. Catholics say it’s like vitamins dispensed through holy vending machines. Orthodox say grace is like a warm mist that just keeps rising if you leave the incense burning.
Moderator: Surprisingly accurate.
Jamie: So what happens if someone doesn’t get baptized? Are they out?
Moderator: God is not bound by the sacraments. But we are.
Jamie: Meaning?
Moderator: God can work outside them. But the Church offers them as the ordinary means of extraordinary grace. Not as a restriction. As a gift.
Jamie: Like the thief on the cross?
Moderator: He had no baptismal certificate. But he had Christ.
Moderator: Sacraments aren’t the only way God reaches us. But they are the most reliable.
Jamie: So, they’re like garlic bread. Not technically necessary, but what kind of meal is it without them?
Moderator: More like medicine. You can survive without treatment—but not in good health.
Jamie: Got it. Sacraments: not magic, not optional. Just sacred encounters with a generous God.
Moderator: Well said. Grace is not a leak in the system. It is the system. And sacraments are how it flows most clearly.
Jamie: So I can keep the hot tub, but maybe leave the baptizing to the pros?
Moderator: Please do.
*Jamie walks off humming a praise chorus, holding a towel like a stole.*
Next time on The TheoLounge: “Who's Holiday?”